THE DANCE OF THE MENSTRUATING THEODOLITE

 THE DANCE OF THE MENSTRUATING THEODOLITE

Spring was late this year.

Ice was still on the dew pond at the end of May, the snowdrops had not awoken from there hibernation by Pentecost and the ground was frostbitten and foreboding. The huge sky was dark and threatening as the local community went about there daily business. The cows and goats still needed milking, the geese to be led to new pasture and the hogs to slaughter. 

The daily routine was the same what ever the weather and climate threw at the villagers, and this had always been the way. 

Although the community was small, it was large enough to have an elected council of The Elders, who officiated at the occasional trial for misdemeanors and criminal activity,  and oversaw the general management of the rural settlement. There were three Elders, each of whom emanated from a long standing and well established local family.

 Their position was permanent, and could only be terminated by death or ill health.  However, although there were a triumvirate of Elders, there was always a predominate figure, and as far back as anyone could remember came from the De Oude-Smit clan.  

The De Oude-Smits were established in the locality before the settlement achieved village status, and were renowned for having arrived from inland Europe prior to the voyages of Erik the Red, Cabot, Cartier, Amerigo Vespucci or Columbus. With a reputed Dutch / Irish / Welsh heritage, the family were predominant in local history and folk law.

 A family of many trades, they specialised in the production of Theodolite like instruments that were utilised in surveying the land that was reclaimed from the surrounding marshes and encroaching forests. 

The tradition in "Theodolite" production had taken on a semi mystic and quasi religious position in the mindset of the other villagers, and as a token of their respect held an annual ceremony where an enormous theodolite was carved from an old oak tree and placed in to the middle of the village green.

 A special grove of sacred oak trees had been planted on the edge of the village many centuries ago, planted by the original settlers according to oral myth,  and the trees that grew there were maintained as the special preserve for use in Theodolite ceremonies.  

Hoss De Oude-Smit was the current preeminent Elder, and his rule was as strict as custom would reasonably allow. However, he was at odds with his fellow elders due to his stringent adherence to the sacred doctrine of St Hookens of Sudbury and the Rossgates Creed. The Book of Bohiem was a semi mythical scripture that detailed the teachings of St Stavros Hookens and his fellow acolyte, Deacon Rossatron Gates of Sudbury.

To be continued.........

"RAY THE DUST" IN IMPEACHMENT SCANDAL

 "RAY THE DUST" IN IMPEACHMENT SCANDAL

Failed ex refuse collector and karaoke singer, Ray the Dust, has outraged residents of the care home he resides in by refusing to abide by the string residential rules regarding social hygiene and silence. 

As a result, he has been Impeached by the management committee and charged with inciting riotous behaviour, and engaging in ungentlemanly conduct at the secluded and fastidious residence. He has been aided and abetted in his uncouth behaviour by his minuscule recalcitrant and malformed side kicks, Pepe Le Puke and Little Les. 

Pepe Le Puke of course has a long record of indiscretions regarding uncleanliness, and it is an undisputed matter of fact, widely documented in scientific papers, that it was he who initially brought an unsavory strain of e-coli in to the nation, via a liberally soiled pair of underpants on his return from a riotous and flirtatious vacation in Espania. 

 The Dust and Little legs were also on this contagious trip of debauchery and self flagellation, but although charged with intention and incitement, were never proven to have also brought the deadly contagion with them in to this country.

Although the trio have refused to attend a special tribunal set up by the Impeachment and Seditious behavior sub-committee of the Duck Flat Cap Society, the committee will sit on the next full moon and will debate on what charges should be brought before the Court of  Honour and Unconstitutional behaviour. 

The court will be chaired by Dave Duck with assistance from Dave the Teach and Barry the Gravedigger.  

Updated reports will be published here in due course.  

INSIDE THE MIND OF BLACKROD HAMILTON

 INSIDE THE MIND OF BLACKROD HAMILTON 

Blackrod Hamilton was now an out of work missionary, living on fag ends, hand outs and hand jobs. 

Born in to an occasionally prosperous mercantile family at the turn of the century, his youthful years were an tumultuous affair due to leprosy and the rampant infidelity of Agatha, his bilingual and asexual mother. 

 She dreamed of dancing the fandango, but alas, this was never achieved.

She had met her husband Ferdinand at the Turdoxian State circus, when they were both part of the same troupe of silent naked ventriloquists.  It was at this time that she originally conceived the concept that regular and strenuous self flagellation was the most necessary of evils. She also considered that the sale of any service was also the most prosperous way to eliminate hunger and provide subsistence for her mongrel family. 

His father was an hermaphrodite midget with a tendency to explode with rage, especially when his flirtatious wife exploited his willingness to let her work at the local penitentiary. She schooled the unfortunate but murderous clientele in Turdoxian reflexology, an ancient art that she had learnt on the knee of her bohemian uncle as a small child.  His constant rhythmic rubbing had shaken her, and left a mark that she had taken with her on her complex journey in to womanhood.

Not long after taking up her position at the jail, she contracted syphilis from an inmate with a penchant for cross dressing and flagellation. However, she was allowed to continue wok provided she provided additional extra curriculum services to the prison governor. This arrangement was acceptable to both and she soon became pregnant with his child,  Otzi, who was fostered after birth to a prosperous family of Mormon gold prospectors in Utah, who provided a considerable amount of gold bullion to Agatha in payment for the child.    

Blackrod had considered his childhood an exciting time as he pondered on his current pitiful position at the but hole of society. He had outgrown his father by the time he was seven, and regularly beat him to a pulp if he did not receive his gruel in a satisfactory manor. His mother was otherwise engaged in her affairs at the penitentiary, although she did pass a smattering of Turdoxian reflexology on to her sponge brained offspring. He soon mastered this art, and became a black belt purveyor of rhythmic and sympathetic action to the underbelly of society. 

To be continued...........

THE HORSE LOAF CHRONICLES - THE LOST CORRESPONDENCE

 THE HORSE LOAF CHRONICLES - THE LOST CORRESPONDENCE 

Document recently released by the Madame Formaldehyde Institute for the criminally insane, have confirmed long held views that the original manuscripts relating to the formative years of the fabled partnership in lunacy, Loaf and Horse, are a reality and not a myth.

Copies of the manuscripts have been obtained by the author from the institute, and although extremely provocative in there content, facsimiles have been incorporated within this text together with a short explanatory commentary.   

Letter 1 -

After a Tax review it is discovered that unscheduled relief has been received by Lord Basra, the Beadle of Baghdad, and he receives congratulations for a successful overseas campaign in Mesopotamia.   

A "Lech Welensa" medal , awarded to the Beadle of Baghdad for valour, awaits collection.  

Notice of forthcoming troop maneuvers at Northwood Hills are also given.  

  Letter 2 - 

Colour Sergeant Loaf of the Bogus Beer Belly Battalion is requested to attend a Regimental Tea dance after an absence of 15 years. 

Details of the closure of the units former mess hut on the Watford road are confirmed. Alternative venues have also been mad out of bounds.  And orders are given that the area is now a no go zone due to its occupation by senior citizens.

Letter 3 - 

Confirmation of grievance procedures against Bombardier Loaf, Marquis of Danes Court, due to non attendance at the recently arranged Regimental Tea Dance.  

Details of the hearing are delivered together with an implied threat for non attendance.

A warning is given that Himalayan headgear will not be tolerated at the hearing and that it will be delivered by the Consumption Committee. 

Letter 4 - 

Bombardier Luis Urqhuart Loaf, Marquise of Danes Court and the Land beyond is re-instated as a Bombardier Lance Corporal.

 He is ordered to attend the drill hall to receive embarkation orders and medication. 

Letter 5 -

Apologies to Commander Meatloaf for advancing on the Battalions objectives in Ireland prior to his re-joining the unit. 

Letter 6 - 

A campaign medal is offered to Lord Basra for his actions on infiltrating eastern Europe and former Iron curtain territories.  

                                                                                                                                                                                        

Letter 7 - 

Informing Lord Basra of the formation of a new Mechanised Imbibing Unit.

Colonel In Chief is suggest as a new rank for Lord Basra, but there is strong  competition from others. 

Letter 8 - 

Bancuptcy proceedings against Lord Louis Le Meatloaf, Beagle of Baghdad. 

Letter 9 - Debt collection.

Letter 10 - 

Legal and Court Marshall proceedings against Lord Louis De Hovis.

Further correspondence is reported to be under close scrutiny by the intelligence forces of practically every nation in the United Nations, NATO and Comintern, and details will released after they have redacted offensive or politically incorrect references.

To be continued in due course . 

SCHRODINGER'S HORSE

                                    SCHRODINGER'S HORSE

Imaging a box, a large closed box. 

You are told by someone who in unable to lie,  that a horse is in the box, but you have no other evidence to prove it. 

The box is sealed, and if you open it, it will result in the horse no longer being there ! 

However, if you do not open the box, and it remains sealed, you are assured that the horse will be there. 

Is the horse in the box ?

Post script -

I opened the box and although there was no horse, there was a huge pile of foul smelling horse shit with fresh straw in it ! 

To be continued / updated..........

THE CRISTMAS DAY MASSACRE - MAD ALBERT III

 THE CRISTMAS DAY MASSACRE - MAD ALBERT III

Christmas was on a Friday, and all were anticipating a wonderful long weekend of stuffed belly's, frequent flatulence, laughter, tears and humongous hangovers. 

As all and sundry sat contently and contemplated their Christmas break, a dark stinking malevolent entity lurked in its lair, stroking its putrid membrane with its malformed spikes and salivating at the thought of his future bounty. It was resting now, but would quickly spring back in to action with a new and invigorated resolve.

 It inwardly laughed at the incompetency of those elected to protect them, and scoffed at the pathetic measures they believed would restrict its ever strengthening and strangulating grip in humanity. 

The entity had first made its self known earlier in the year when it materialised from nowhere in the far east and paralised society. In earlier manifestations it had had many names but most recently had worked its evil way under the name of "Mad Albert Disease". 

Tests conducted by the scientific and micro biology section of the Duck Flat Cap Society, have allegedly traced a deadly new strain of Mad Albert Disease (MAD) to a discarded pair of soiled undergarments belonging to the overweight and vertically challenged, Pepe Le Puke.

The offending boxer shorts were allegedly discovered in Hamburg , Germany, and were easily identified to be those of the diminutive balding ex refuse collector, by the name sewn in to the waistband. If this evidence was not enough, a pair of his mittens, again with his name tag attached were found adjacent to the blood, shit and puss stained underpants.

It is believed that this strain has mutated after coming in to contact with the original variant of Mad Albert, which originated at the Mitre Public house in North West London towards the end of the last century. 

Previous joint research conducted by the "Medical Committee" of the “Expanding Waste band Society” and the "Consumption committee" of the “Duck flat cap society” has resulted in controversial evidence that links the original source of “Mad Albert Disease” to the sadly missed Mitre public house.

As previously reported, the origin of the highly debilitating disease was allegedly been traced to a pint of Double Diamond or Long Life, purchased in the Mitre by the semi illiterate and partially insane flat cap wearer, “Mad" Albert Bumfield.

“Mad Albert” being a regular of the Mitre from the late 1940’s until his death in the early 1980’s is believed to have imbibed the fateful Double Diamond or Long Life whilst watching his double jointed wife engage in a spot of improvised ballet dancing and gymnastics on a sunny Saturday afternoon.

During the war Mad Albert was a regular soldier in a division of the North African Desert Rat Regiment, almost fully populated by Mitre Regulars, and known as the “ Fully Mechanised Imbibing Division”. 

It is believed he picked up Bilharzia disease whilst bathing in the Nile, and this combined with the currently unknown toxin allegedly picked up in the Mitre, resulting in the onset of full Mad Albert Disease within 48 hours.

These combined strains of the newly mutated entity have themselves allegedly mixed with unknown pathogens that usually live in the guts and gizzards of chickens and other fowl and had dispersed around the world in the lungs of unsuspecting commuters, cruise passengers and air travelers. 

As Christmas loomed on the near horizon, the virulent assassin decided it was time to unleash its newly in-mixed and invigorated powers, and started to infiltrate the genteel members of leafy Kent, and swiftly moved in to metropolitan London and its hinterland of the home counties. 

The media was alive with reports of increased infections and deaths as the disease skulked through the populous. As it reveled in the ease of its own success, like a child pulling the wings from a daddy long-legs, it decided that it would reward its bloated self belief by mutating and strengthening the ability to pass on its malaise swifter and more accurately than previously. 

To be continued.......

VACCINATION OUTRAGE AT THE DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY

 VACCINATION OUTRAGE AT THE DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY

Recent events surrounding the venerable and apolitical Duck Flat Cap Society have outraged its genteel and distinguished membership.

 At the last Zoom meeting of the "Virology and Quaffworthyness" sub section of the debating society, Northern agitator and professor of Vino Rouge, Dave the Teach, insisted that he had discovered a safe vaccine to offer full protection against the most virulent of social diseases, "Mad Albert Disease". 

However, the acting chairman and president Dave Duck, has advised the society that the "Imbibing and Procrastinating" sub-committee of the Duck Flat Cap Society have declared Dave the Teach's outburst was both illegal and unconstitutional. 

Previous joint research conducted by the "Medical Committee" of the “Expanding Waste band Society” and the "Consumption committee" of the “Duck flat cap society” has resulted in controversial evidence that links the original source of “Mad Albert Disease” to the sadly missed Mitre public house.

The origin of the highly debilitating disease was allegedly been traced to a pint of Double Diamond or Long Life, purchased in the Mitre by the semi illiterate and partially insane flat cap wearer, “Mad" Albert Bumfield.

“Mad Albert” being a regular of the Mitre from the late 1940’s until his death in the early 1980’s is believed to have imbibed the fateful Double Diamond or Long Life whilst watching his double jointed wife engage in a spot of improvised ballet dancing and gymnastics on a sunny Saturday afternoon.

During the war Mad Albert was a regular soldier in a division of the North African Desert Rat Regiment, almost fully populated by Mitre Regulars, and known as the “ Fully Mechanised Imbibing Division”. It is believed he picked up Bilharzia disease whilst bathing in the Nile, and this combined with the currently unknown toxin allegedly picked up in the Mitre, resulting in the onset of Full Mad Albert Disease within 48 hours.

It is also alleged by other witnesses, that on the first occasion that poor "Mad Albert Bumfield" convulsed to the malevolent strains of the disease named after him, the large and generously proportioned "Big Ian" was seated on his normal stool and witnessed the whole event.

As usual, "Big Ian" had consumed his normal lunchtime quota of 12 pints of strong cider, and therefore can be considered to be of sound mind and no way impaired by excess alcohol. The alleged rumours are that he noticed a disheveled figure skulking by the gents, who was seen to exhale his stinking breath fully in to the the face of Old Mad Albert, just prior to his first convulsion. Further more, it is alleged that this person was "Ted the Barman", who was soon to become a long time if disheveled barman at the Mitre.

It should also be reported that many other regulars of the Mitre began to show the early signs of "Mad Albert Disease" in particular the happy but mad as a brush, "Phil the tweak Baxter". The back flipping, flaxen haired barbarian considered it unusual if he had not tweaked the nipples of every male person in the pub, by closing time. In view of the evidence regarding Mad Albert Disease" it is now apparent that he may well have been suffering from the very early stages of the debilitating affliction.

Further investigations are being conducted by the various committee's of the "Expanding Waste Band Society" and the "Duck Flat Cap Society", so as to ascertain whether the claims that a vaccine has been found are true and future reports will be posted here.

To be updated in due course.....