CHARD OF THE YARD AND THE TIARA MURDER MYSTERY
Inspector Chard was a stout fellow of resolute will, sound mind and inspirational faith. He also supported Fulham F.C.
Born in to a lower class household in north west London before the second great conflict, he never travelled far from his birth. Indeed, he never possessed a passport or travelled beyond the borders of England. To the remarkable Inspector Chard, crossing the borders of Middlesex was a great struggle, and indeed, a trip to near by Watford in the neighboring county of Hertfordshire was strain on his constitution.
After leaving school at the age of eight, he trained as a porter at the local Harrow and Wealdstone station and quickly progressed to ticket hall officer and trolley pusher. During the long hours at the station, he studied to become a fully qualified medical Doctor, and after many years was reworded with a Doctorate in Psychiatry and Origami. Not long after passing his final exams, he submitted a paper to the School of Bavarian Hematology and Photo Lobotomies and unexpectedly obtained a seat on its UK board, which was located at the nearby Brunhilder Harrovian and Munich psychiatric Unit.
Not long after taking up his seat, he was involved with local police enforcement officers, who asked him to assist with a case involving the disappearance of a barman from the Tiara Public house on the borders of North Wembley and Sudbury. The barman, named Ted, had been a regular member of the staff at the hostelry, and although short in stature and low in mental agility, was looked upon kindly and affectionately by the pubs riotous and boisterous working class cliental.
He had gone missing after a humongous after hours session that continued in the early hours of the morning. All those in attendance had been interviewed by the local police, who agreed to withhold charging the Tiara for licensing irregularities providing vital information regarding Teds disappearance was forthcoming. The licensee of the Tiara, a small Rugby hooligan of Welsh and English heritage, "Little Taffy", had agreed to assist with the polices enquiries, providing he could retain his seat at the annual policemen's ball, and keep his collection of illegal photographs and videos discovered on his premises.
After coming to an acceptable agreement, information was divulged and the fields situated to the rear of the public house were excavated by a specialist police unit. A yellowing skull was quickly uncovered amongst a scattering of empty bottles of stout, crisp packets and fag ends.
Chard of the Yard had been secretly tipped off by Little Taffy that he suspected old Pa Bumfold as the murderer, due to his increasing senility and the constant aggravation he was under emanating from his alcoholic but gymnastically orientated wife.
Amongst the detriment found scattered around the unearthed skull, a small set of yellowing false teeth were recovered. The teeth were not Teds, as his putrid teeth were still entombed within his wretched jaws. Chard set out to call on Old Pa Bumfold to try and establish if the set of Gnasher's would fit his emaciated and blotched face.
It was a little after midday and the smell of stale piss pervaded the atmosphere of the dingy downstairs room. Old “Pa Bumfold” crossed his legs but failed to stop the emission flowing from his fetid soiled undergarments.
Placing both hands on the filthy armchair he levered himself to his feet and shuffled towards the kitchen back door and the sanctuary of the brick outhouse, unfortunately situated in the back yard of the Victorian terraced property.
After a ten minute session in the putrid latrine and doing the paperwork with an old copy of the Radio Times, Pa Bumfold shuffled back in to the kitchen, where he was immediately set upon by his deranged octogenarian wife Gloria, a failed gymnast and part time exhibitionist from Kilburn. She managed to wrap here spindly legs around his neck by leaping from the kitchen table and slowly began to squeeze the life out of her befuddled husband.
A loud knock at the front door interrupted the comic grappling in the kitchen, and both made their way to the hallway and front door, where the unmistakable shadow of a policeman was viewed through the tinted glass panel in the door.
Old Pa Bumfold, whose face was still puce from the near strangling his wife had administered, turned the latch and opened the door, fully expecting the old bill to nick him for his ungentlemanly conduct in the Tiara public house the previous night, when he had farted in the face of the opposing darts teams captain.
However, after removing his flat cap, Inspector Chard explained that during recent excavations so as to facilitate the building of a new sports centre at Vale Farm, on the site of the existing open air swimming pool, they had unearthed a skeleton of a deformed dwarf like creature with missing teeth, broken wire rimmed spectacles, a curved spine and a silver bracelet on his lower arm depicting the name “Ted”.
Furthermore, due to the boggy nature of the soil, part of the creature’s skin had been preserved and upon it was a child like tattoo describing the name “Ted” in blue ink. However, Inspector Chard also stated that unusually for such cases, the skull was unearthed, but was presumed to have been disturbed by animals, but the missing parts, including his false teeth, would no doubt be found in due course.
To be continued or updated..........
Letter 10 - 
