THE FLATULENT GARDENER

 THE FLATULENT GARDENER

Pete liked gas inducing foods and loved anything spicy and hot, and preferably would only consume non alcoholic drinks full of carbon dioxide, when not consuming his favourite pint of best bitter.

His digestive system was well adjusted to his flatulence inducing diet and had developed a capacity to cope with the copious amounts of methane produced. Like a ruminant animal, he had developed an additional stomach that enabled his system to process highly gaseous biomass and extract sufficient nutrition to feed its host. 

His digestive tract was like a specialised nuclear reactor, converting raw vegetable and butchered animal products into pure grade, highly flammable, explosive methane. In time, Pete would come to exploit this volatile gas but for now he would simply fart and all would suffer the pungent consequence.

The bi-product of this process was efficiently vented from his body via his overworked anal sphincter, that over time had developed a steel like structural membrane as a semi protective measure.However pain was still part of his life and a strong influence on his mental state, which at times verged on the criminally insane.

He had tried all the proprietary gels and ointments to alleviate the pain, but alternately he found that a crushed banana spread around and up his anus was the best cure, and prevented the metallic mesh from seizing or rusting. Even three occurrences of a prolapsed rectum and multiple cases of painful piles have not weakened the resolve to consume super flatulent inducing produce and products. 

Luckily for those who worked with Pete, he was a gardener who worked in wide open spaces most of the time. However, on the Manorial estate where he worked, he occasionally had to work a night-shift in one of the greenhouses that propagated sub tropical produce and frost intolerant species. It was in this environment that Pete set out his strategy for Banana domination of the world, or at least his small and insignificant, but painful, part of it.

It was at this time that he coined the phrase "Banana ! Ist Nicht Einfach", which became his war cry on his march to banana dominance. 

Pete was a regular at his local hostelry, and as an avid consumer of real ale he attempted to stabalise the fermenting bio mass in his two stomachs from reaching a critical mass.  A pickled egg was a favourite bar snack, but this could lead to complications due to the methane inducing tendencies of the egg and its embalming brine. 

The risk was maximised if Pete was intoxicated and changed his drink to a highly gaseous lager style beverage, and this unfortunately had occurred too frequently for many of the public houses former patrons, and the clientele of the establishment was at a post war low. However the landlord allowed his continued attendance, as he volunteered his methane by-product free of charge to the pub, which was used to power the kitchens cookers and grills, and was also tapped for future use as romantic gas lighting on the patio and in the garden.   

After a fulfilling night at the pub, Peter would often snack on a flaming hot curry or chili before retiring to bed. This of course led to many unfortunate experiences within the confines of the bed sheets. Despite wearing surgically prepared sleeping undergarments, his flatulent outbursts were able to escape the confines of the medical pantaloons, spreading an excruciating biochemical mess about the bedroom.     

To be continued........