A SHORT STOREY

The end.

THE BARBARION INVASION OF LAKE WINDERMERE AND THE SURROUNDING HINTERLAND - PART 1

THE BARBARIAN INVASION OF LAKE WINDERMERE AND THE SURROUNDING HINTERLAND

On a cold spring morning the large nosed blaggard who went by the name "Yardos the one ball" rose from his drunken slumber and walked across his fêted hut to release his vile putrid urine across the matted floor covering and splattered against the coarse wattle walls. His drinking Horn hung against his huge gut and lay next to half shriveled semi lob.

Having finished his morning piss and dressed in his finest battledress he left his hut and moved through the still morning air towards the large horse drawn cart that was parked at the end of the lane, adjacent to the Mitorian Ale house that had expelled he and his and his brave band of heathen brother’s only hours earlier. 

Carefully tucking his one ball in to his tight leggings he boarded the transport and conducted a head count of his fellow band of stinking, drunken, puke covered comrades at arms. A slow count of heads soon revealed that Doctorian Doylus, the mustachioed Horsingtonious of the fêted fart, Pattious Cannonious of the bigguis vodkanannius, Beuwloaf of the Meat, and many other brave battle horn hardened revelers were all aboard and ready for their attack on unsuspecting natives of the northern outpost of Scousepool.

The rabble were soon venturing north engaging in spirited banter and lighthearted pissing in the bottle, so as to relieve the boredom and bladders as the overflowing pig bladders and Drinking horns were attacked with venomous ease by the Mitorian Barbarian hoard.
Having reached their destination, the stinking hoard shuffled in to their lodgings reeking of stale piss and sweat.

Yardos "the one ball" and the Doc were soon bickering in the space given over for imbibing the local fermented grape and barley, whilst the spirited Cannonious negotiated with the tavern keeper for a humungous round of festering venomous brain killer.

Horsingtonious was stalking the premises looking for the nearest dunny so that his festering pants could unload a truly magnificent heap of coagulating muck so as to enable more of the glorious flowing nectar to enter his huge aching stomach.

To be continued..................

DR DOYLE AND THE HOG-JUDGE SLAUGHTERHOUSE BLUES

DR DOYLE AND THE HOG-JUDGE SLAUGHTERHOUSE BLUES

Silas rose early, having been woken by the incessant heavy rainfall and continuous squealing from the farmyard pig pen. His bedding consisting of old straw and a coarsely woven blanket, and was situated in an old hay loft.

After his ablutions and dressing in his fathers old overalls, he hurriedly descended the lofts ladder and crossed the muddy yard towards the slaughterhouse.

The pig pens were prudently located adjacent to the stinking slaughterhouse, and just across the way from the feted duck pond.

He scanned the scene and noted that the body of old man scaggs was still where he left it.Glancing across the pond he was sure he was alone, and began to lift the lifeless corpse from the butchers hook it had been hanging from overnight.

The coals from the smouldering fire below the lifeless carcass were still hot and the smoke continued to engulf the former judges skin, the hue having changed to a dark burnt yellow with a tinge of ochre.The skin was wrinkled and dry and ready for a  heavy sprinkling of salt.

Silas yanked at the chain attached to the hook and the body fell to the ground, scattering the ash and glowing coals in the fire. Reaching in to his breeches pocket, Silas pulled out a 9 inch hunting knife and began slicing hunks of flesh from the former Judges rump.

Twenty minutes later a small wooden container was full of warm flesh, slightly crispy on the outside but fleshy and moister on the reverse side.The salt and seasoning rubbed in to the flesh  had done its job, and after tasting a particularly fleshy lump, Silas considered the product was ready for consumption.

After quickly slicing the remaining flesh from the unfortunate late Judge's body, Silas placed the salted delicacy in the large freezer located in an adjacent warehouse. He then returned to the barn and after a quick brush-down and hand wash decided that it was time to go and visit Dr Doyle and arrange a profitable distribution of his produce.

Dr Doyle had first met Silas when attached to the Sister Crippen unit of Shenley Hospital for the mentally insane.

They had been active during the Spanish Civil War and had also operated behind enemy lines during operation Barbarossa. However, Dr Doyle was now an enthusiastic accomplice in the distribution of Silas's salty product, due his almost fanatical love of the snack.

To be continued...........