THE BOHEMIAN ACCELERATOR AND LOST FOLIO OF THE BARD

THE BOHEMIAN ACCELERATOR AND LOST FOLIO OF THE BARD

At a recent meeting of the science and imbibing sub-committee of the Duck Flat Cap Society, it was announced that documents have been obtained by the “Wenceslas Institute of Biochemistry and the advancement of Imbibing”, that reveal  a long lost accelerator that can speed the rate of consumption when quaffing substantial amounts of alcoholic beverages. 

The long lost scroll was allegedly found with a missing folio of Shakespeare’s works in a Prague library by researchers looking in to the early life of King Igor Johannes Chardoslas, a distant relative of the Duck Flat Caps current President and Chancellor, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff.

The document allegedly describes how to prepare a poisonous tincture of Olive oil, Myrrh, lavender oil, dried crushed nasal hair, iodine and the tears of a bison, mixed with a solvent. The solvent can apparently be vinegar, glycerol or ether. The scroll goes on to allegedly describe that the Tincture is then strained through the perforated bladder of a deceased alcoholic geriatric spinster, and added to the chosen alcoholic beverage ,which can then be consumed in the normal manner, but at an accelerated speed.

The “Wenceslas Institute of Biochemistry and the advancement of Imbibing” have extended their dire warning that this Tincture is not to be consumed in any measure due to its high toxicity.  It also warns all readers of their press release and this Blog that due to its toxic nature, the ability to consume alcoholic beverages faster after adding the Tincture to the drink have not, and cannot be proven. 

This warning to not attempt to consume this alleged Tincture is also expressly repeated and endorsed by the author of this Blog. 

However, Driver Chard having studied the documentation has taken it upon his self, to prove the benefits of the Tincture, believing that if it is established to work, he will be able to return home from the pub prior to leaving his home, due to the accelerated nature of his imbibing.

 This he believes will enable him to resume Rumpy pumpy with Mrs Chard of El Hadj Duiff, as she will believe that he has ceased his daily ritual of consuming three pints of best bitter between 21.00 hours and 22.20 hours, thus leaving fresh for a hand of canasta and a free style frolic before last post.

A meeting of the procrastinating and imbibing toxicity select sub committee is to question Driver Chard as to the results of his proposed experiment at the end of the month, and a further report will be posted in due course.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020