The Author

The Author

Wednesday 13 December 2023

COLONEL BLASTER AND THE EIGHT OF CLUBS

 COLONEL BLASTER AND THE EIGHT OF CLUBS 

As the dreary eyed detachment of the mechanised imbibers reached the entry portal to their air transport, it was evident that the recent intake of alcohol had infiltrated the brain of at least one of the advanced guard.

 After retrieving their baggage from the armoured support vehicle, Sapper X ( on attachment from the secret service )  detached his luggage from his tobacco infused hand and declared that he would pick it up on his return from action.

  Fellow mercenaries, Dr Thelonious Royle, Private Jox, Washington Bruno and Hoss Smythe ignored his petulant behaviour and motioned for the inebriated colleague to return to collect his bedding and survival gear. Bowing to peer pressure Sapper X  dutifully retried his kit and joined his fellow travellers at the immigration desk and passport control. 

After successfully deceiving the border officials that all was in order, the squadron advanced to the bar and ordered some refreshments. 

At the same time and in a different universe, Colonel Blaster was relieving himself within the semi comfort of his latrine located within his cramped hotel bed chambers, and successfully adding a further three blankets to his bed roll to alleviate his exposure to the semi life threatening Ibizan air temperature of seventy five degrees Fahrenheit.  

The Colonel and his travelling companion had served in the armed forces during the siege of Mafeking during the Boer war and had served in the Sudan with Lord Kitchener fighting the Mad Mahdi. Indeed Colonel Blaster had been stationed in the Dardanelles during the first world conflict, although he was forced to return with chilblains and a touch of frost bite.

The air transport delivered the team to there destination in the early hours of the morning and shortly after disembarking the weary ensemble were imbibing in a salubrious establishment named the Playboy Club. 

After a few snorters and a incredibly high intake of lager the shuffle footed team arrived at their barracks. The designated barracks were established to support retired officers and non commissioned officers. However, due to cuts in the military budget, our intrepid cavaliers were destined to bivouac with Colonel blaster and his platoon.

On entering the establishment it was immediately clear that the ambient temperature of the barracks was a climate normally associated with the tropics. The walls were plastered with ensigns, insignias, flags, spears , stirrups and emblems from the Sudanese, Cape and Afghan campaigns. All windows were sealed shut and the doors were set to close sharply, immediately you had entered through the portal and passed into the steaming vestibule of the building. The hot-house was staffed by unintelligent civilian's who had been recruited from the local semi literate and somnambulistic community, with a collective I.Q of approximately 12.  

Meanwhile, unknown to Colonel Blaster et al, waiting silently and in pitch black, and locked in solitude behind a heavy wooden door, hung upon a drab whitewashed wall, was a huge portrait of the Eight of Clubs.

 Waiting unforgivingly for its redemption and resurrection, it had its own evil presence and was aware that huddled below lay the key to its renewed existence. In the next room, awaiting revenge and an eagerly expected valedictory victory, was the recently arrived troops regimental mascot, a stuffed Spanish Donkey with a full brimmed sombrero named "Donkey".

All was not well. 

The squad having acclimatised themselves to their squalid accommodation took leave of the premises after obtaining an open ended pass, and made their way to the localities hostelries, which although unsavoury were preferable to the barracks own mess hall. Unwinding with a copious selection of large shorts and aperitives, Sapper X soon noticed that the bars walls were smothered with undergarments of all manner and assortment, being male, female, soiled, new,  old or other.


 With this revelation, Washington Bruno swiftly removed his urine and skid marked gundies and after wearing them on his head for a short while, stuck them firmly to the wall above the blaring jukebox. 

Sapper X retaliated by pumping the juke box with pesetas and soon Maggie May by Rod Stewart was blasting out of the rusting old speakers. Sapper X was swiftly followed by Orderly Dr Royle who ensured that the playlist included "Run around Sue" for the next dozen plays. 

Boisterous behaviour followed for the remainder of the night, until the closure of the last bar meant that the battalion had to retreat to their sleeping quarters at the regimental barracks. After successfully cutting a way through the defensive barriers containing the outer perimeter of the barracks, the inebriated soldiers entered their bedrooms two by two, just like the animals entering Noah's ark.

 Within minutes all was not quite as ear-splitting snoring filled the corridors of the establishment. 

However, this state of affairs lasted no longer than five minutes, and Sapper X and Dr Royle had donned commandos black clothing and blackened their faces, so that they could assault and ransack the adjoining bedroom. 

After skilfully abseiling from their balcony to the adjacent portal, they smashed a way through the closed doors and attempted to throw the furniture from the room in to the Majors personal swimming pool located six floors below. Indeed in there haste,  they forgot to ensure that the bed that was enroute for an unscheduled high dive and swim, was still occupied by Sargent Hoss Smythe.

 Desperate to survive this violent assault, Smythe held on to one leg of the bed whilst trying to repel the invaders with the other. As the struggle continued, the table lamp and side table were collateral damage in the explosive struggle, and were jettisoned in to the dark waters below the balcony.  Soon an incessant knock at the rooms door brought the struggle to an abrupt if surprising end. The violent intrusion event swiftly abated and the intruders retreated towards their own territorial space.

The now fully alert Pte Washington Bruno moved to the door and sheepishly open to enquire as to who was knocking with so much aggression. Standing in the portal was the Barracks red faced Commandant, dressed in full battledress and with a military drill cane in his hand. Two Military policemen stood at his shoulders as he demanded that all noise ceased forthwith and that lights were immediately extinguished. Having spoken, the commander wheeled about face and stormed to the stairwell to complete his retreat towards his own quarters.

 With this, a note was pushed under the door by his military guards, with instructions for all personnel to assemble before the Commanders Headquarters at precisely eight hundred hours a.m. Meanwhile, six stories above, the portrait of the eight of clubs shone it its frame, allowing its image to permeate the darkness of the room, as if to acknowledge the feast of discomfort and angst about to embrace the inebriated and unaware troops now sleeping below.  

The following morning came and went without any movement from the adjoining rooms where the miscreant troops slept a troubled sleep.

 As mid day approached Dr Royle suddenly arose and quickly collected his weary colleagues for roll call. With the 8 hundred hour's meeting missed, it was unanimously thought wise to assemble as quickly as possible outside the Commanders office located on the ground floor. 

Awaiting the sad ensemble were a cohort of old timers seated in their deep leather armchairs, headed by a red faced and corpulent Colonel Blaster. They sat in front of a blazing log fire, oblivious to the fact that the temperature outside was at least 80 degrees Fahrenheit. 

Facing a barrage of abuse from the bloated old guard, the tired soldiers filed into the commandants intimidating office.

 It was immediately apparent that in the eyes of the officials, a serious breech of protocol had taken place, and that each member of the squad was to be disciplined for misconduct. Indeed, without delay the team were moved from there existing rooms and transferred to the misconduct wing located on the top floor of the building.

 The new rooms had minimal furnishings, no blankets and no balconies. This move was to be a final chance to behave, or matters would be taken before a court marshal in Aldershot, England before the months end.  Unknown to the sad ensemble, further along the top floor corridor, located in an unlit and genuinely cold wing, lay the entrance to a sealed chamber within which the malevolent portrait of the eight of clubs was nailed to its walls.

The portraits features were now glowing brightly as a putrid essence, exhuming from the very oils that had created the art work, pervaded the stale static air. 

Meanwhile, outside the premises, the Majors swimming pool had been emptied, and the detritus thrown from the balcony the previous evening retrieved. A large grey tarpaulin had been fixed over the pool, with a number of bricks strategically placed to stop the wind weakening the retaining straps. These were to be needed, as a mighty storm was brewing out to sea, and dark black clouds were engulfing the coast,  enhanced by a gale force howling wind. 

The beaches were strewn with stinking seaweed ripped from the rocks deep below the surface of the dark swelling sea.  Rain began to fall and was soon torrential, reducing visibility to a few feet. It was in to this inclement weather that the troop of disillusioned squaddies slowly marched to a familiar bar so that they could settle their fetid thoughts and stomachs.

 Soon copious amounts of lager and spirits were being consumed, and as before undergarments were removed and stuck to what spare space was available on the nicotine stained walls and ceiling. With the juke box playing never ending renditions of Maggie May and Run-around Sue, the team were now feeling much happier and indeed, inebriated. More top shelf beverages followed together with Sapper X giving a fine rendition of the Irish National Anthem.   

Back at the barracks, ensconced in its top floor attic, the Spanish Donkey began to flex its straw muscles and creep slowly across the darkened rooms dusty floor boards. It head began slowly growing in stature and grace, as life giving air began to be drawn into its's flaring nostrils. After a few minutes, the now sentient animal had reached the door and was actively pushing the wooden doorway so as to force an exit. 

Back at the bar, the disgraced soldiers were oblivious to the happenings back at the barracks and continued their march towards total inebriation. Sapper X  having removed all items of clothing above his waist, swung a pool cue about him as if it was his extended microphone, as he heartedly sang spurious renditions of juke box favourites.

 Meanwhile Dr Royal was amassing a huge quantity of Tequila, and Southern Comfort in an array of shot and wine glasses so that a huge "Death too … ? " salute may take place, accompanied by the sloshing down in one, of the various brands of fiery intoxicating liquid.   



To be continued........













Tuesday 5 December 2023

DR DOYLE AND THE XIAN CONUNDRUM

 DR DOYLE AND THE XIAN CONUNDRUM

Dr Doyle was feeling happy as he sunk in to his heavily supported, but luxurious, velvet cushioned chair.  His accomplishments earlier that day were a surprise even to himself, although he never doubted that he would eventually be successful. 

 Previous explorations to the orient had proved productive for the corpulent Doctor, but only on a lower level than he wished for. 

 The walls of his private mansion back in the UK were smothered in jade artefacts plundered from Chinese tombs and necropolises. Calligraphy practically papered his study walls, with only small windows of opportunity for his erotic pygmy pornography. Only last year, he had returned from Beijing with an original jade tortoise purloined from the Forbidden City. 

Although well known to Interpol and the Chinese secret police, bribes and the threat of exposure had ensured that he remained free to conduct his nefarious enterprises. He was of course often assisted in his web of deceit and villainy by the rotund but garrulous Pat LVO Cannister, himself famed for his opulence and gaiety at places of merriment and debouchment throughout the capitols and enclaves of old Europe and beyond.

 However, Pat LVO had pledged at an early age not to voyage to the eastern extremities of the orient, and had held himself to this promise in to old age. He was therefore unavailable to assist the portly Doctor in his pursuit of oriental ill-gotten riches in Cathay and beyond.  

The good Doctors intense and deep connections within MI5, MI6 and the secret intelligent services of South Africa and the Netherlands, made it easy for the safe conduct of his nefarious operations involving the shipment of blood diamonds, ivory, gold and Pygmies. But the lack of similar connections in China would always make operating within its extensive borders more difficult, with the exception of the occasional looting of jade from temple complexes and tombs.

 This was the conundrum that perplexed him as he sat in his luxurious chair slowly becoming intoxicated from the opium pipe he was gently inhaling into his black and toxin infused lungs.  His telephone call earlier that day was the first step in what he hoped would energise his oriental expansion and the start of the next chapter in his intriguing and arousing relationship with the dark forces of evil and exploitation.

 Dr Doyle had recently being enjoying the benefits of being created the perpetual curate of the small but wealthy English village of Ambalshit, but had an itch to obtain the notorious spherical object known as the sacred Jade Testicle.

 Many believed it to be no more than a myth, but the good doctor had other ideas, mainly due to an old manuscript that had fallen in to his slippery hands, whilst recovering the Munich Horn on an earlier escapade to Europe. The Munich Horn  had been a tricky affair, with many occasions when those involved believed all was lost. However, after eventually coming up with the goods, the nefarious Doctor had been in good spirits.

 His call earlier that day to the UK was hopefully about to trigger an avalanche of good fortune that would overshadow the Munich Horn and all other previous accomplishments.   

Although not generally well known to the western press, Karl Brunner, a criminally insane South African gangster, had taken controlling hand in all nefarious activity within the dark continent, infiltrating the Doctors network of petty thugs and criminals operating across the width and breadth of the huge African landmass.

To be continued.....


Sunday 2 April 2023

DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY IN GRAB FOR WORLD DOMINATION

 DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY IN GRAB FOR WORLD DOMINATION

The genteel worlds of Flat Cap societies has been rocked by the astounding news that the Duck Flat Cap Society has stirred from years of slumber and is extending its membership tentacle's across the globe.

 After three years of stagnation, fuelled by the twin catastrophes of Covid and the death of it long term president Driver Chard, the society has determined to establish itself across the far reaches of the known world. 

  After an extraordinary meeting of the Expansion and Procrastination sub section of the society, a vote was put to the membership who wholeheartedly endorsed the expansion of the society. Areas selected for subjugation to the yoke of the society include Weymouth, Marseilles, Barrow and the Welsh valleys. However, many other locations are under scrutiny and will be added to the hit list at the next meeting of the society. 

The hierarchy of the society is ever evolving, and since the untimely death of Driver Chard, the top seat has been kept warm by a collection potential potentates who have rotated the exhalated position between themselves in a timely but sometimes rumbustious manner. Each temporary Czar has fallen foul of egotism and belligerence at some time of their presidency, but with exception of Little Legs Parkes, who was expelled and banished due to an obnoxious outburst, each has exited their temporary chair when required.  

However, an continuing mute point is the recovery of the fabled Regalia, which is believed to be held somewhere on the vast estates of the Chard confederacy. The lost regalia is still an active issue with a number of committee members and it is thought that action to recover the sacred heirlooms may take place in the near future. 

To be continued..... 

Wednesday 8 February 2023

THE VILLAGE ENIGMA

 THE VILLAGE ENIGMA 

The property lay empty and still.

Nothing moved and even the air was static. Indeed time stood still within the centuries old walls, as if removed from the events unfolding without the sanctuary of its solid structure. The old wooden stairs were silent as were the steep concrete steps to the soulless cellar. 

However, this had not always been the case, and in the distant past the small cottage had reverberated to the sound of its inhabitants. Both happy times and sad had been witnessed by the cold white walls. Generations of the eternal cycle of life and death had been encountered by the structure, and at times the stench of humanity would have overpowered all but the those with the weakest sense of smell, as the by-product's of infant life and the detriment of old age filled the communal air.

Now though, all was silent, and the past did not wish to reveal itself, as the property remained sealed from the village and external world. Monarchs had come and gone, neighbours born and buried, church services commemorating all aspects of life conducted by a succession of Rectors and Vicars and the surrounding fields continued the rotation of crops and live stock, with all oblivious to the small cold cottage at the edge of their community. 

The front door was an uncompromising wooden portal with a simple locking mechanism, as was the back door. A cellar was accessed via a door under the stairs.

Steep steps cut from the chalk bedrock lead down to a cramped airless vestibule where an uncovered floor supported old furniture and tools. A wooden handled scythe was propped against the far wall, and various rusting gardening implements looked old and weathered. Upon the wall however was a pristine clock, set in ivory and astonishingly still keeping the correct time.

 In a cluttered corner, partially obscured by an old rusting mangle, a small wooden box gathering thick dust lay unnoticed by all and sundry. Its locking mechanism was robust and intact, but unsurprisingly the key was absent. However, above the cellar was the small sitting room, unpretentiously decorated in a rustic fashion and devoid of any obvious sophistication or wealth. Nevertheless, hanging on the party wall was a rusty set of keys, that were believed by most to be no more than an attempt to create an antique effect for the wall.

 

To be continued.......










Sunday 29 January 2023

CROZIER GURNARD

 CROZIER GURNARD

Sweat dripped from his temples as the effort to move the obstruction drained the strength from Crozier Gurnards emaciated limbs.

 His grinding teeth screeched in his clenched mouth and his whole visage grimaced in pain, as he used the last ounce of his strength attempting to move the barrier. He glanced at his wrist watch to ensure he was not early and confirmed that the time was one minute past twelve noon. 

Why wouldn't the pub door budge ?

His beverage awaited him and he needed to be on pole position to prevent unnecessary delays in obtaining the copious refills that would be required over the next few hours. 

One last push and surely the door will open ! 

Finally the door opened and the surprised looking landlord beckoned Crozier to enter. After shuffling through the door and seating himself at what he proudly considered pole position, he ordered his first drink of the day. Swiftly a pint of lager was foaming in front of him and a look of satisfaction enveloped Crozier Gurnards face. 

As he took his first sip of the amber nectar before him he slowly placed his hands in his duffle coat pockets, eventually retrieving a small red note book, held together by a thick rubber band and sweat. Fingering the pages he settle on a page notated "Things to Do" and appraised the list. The first entry was "purchase tickets to Stellenbosch, followed by a second entry "purchase two quarts of Formaldehyde.

Taking a large gulp of lager from his glass he scanned the page for additional actions to be take. His eyes soon became affixed on the last entry that detailed "Contact Dr Theopolis Doyle". A shudder crept down his spine at the realisation that he would soon be in the presence of the nefarious evil Doctor and his band of misfit acolytes.

Crozier Gurnard had met Dr Doyle on a number of occasions and had also been involved with supporting one of the numerous dangerous missions into continental Europe. Although loathing the corpulent Doctor, Crozier admired his guile and forethought when it came to covert enterprises overseas. 

To be continued...... 








Thursday 5 January 2023

THE CRIMSON CATAFALQUE

 THE CRIMSON CATAFALQUE

All was quite as the faithful silently and slowly filled past the catafalque. 

The human centipede snaked  through the cathedral and out of the main door , continuing around the paternoster square and stretched in to the dim distance beyond. The cathedral bells tolled on the mark and trumpeters serenaded the procession at equal intervals. The solemn scene was observed from on high by Cardinal Cheval, whilst sat at his throne like seat atop the tower of tears.

The Cardinal had wasted no time in ensuring that his favourite would be enthroned as the next Margrave, but was unwilling to let proceeding take there natural course. He was impatient for power and lusted over its ability to provide him with his darkest desires.

 His communion with Belial had been at an early age. When encountering a commune of lepers that had taken over a disused flint mine, he succeeded in raping and butchering countless unfortunates as he tortured their brethren. He had felt the presence of evil as he approached the abandoned mine, and gathered his thoughts in a small hovel close to its entrance. Out of the dim corners of the hovel, a huge ethereal angelic edifice materialised in front of him.    

To be continued.....

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Sunday 1 January 2023

THE RIPPLE JACQUERIE

 THE RIPPLE JACQUERIE

The calix was alleged to be buried in the lower field. However, its exact location was lost in the mists of time.

The Lower field had been farmed by Old Joe Crudd for as long as people could remember, and he was loathed to let any one accompany him on any of his strips. Rotating barley, hops and peas, with oats corn and pasture, enabled him to cultivate his field without loss of nutriments or substance. 

However, it had long been rumoured that the middle section of the field, consisting of a three or four strips, was the home to an unknown buried treasure. The substance behind the rumour was contained in an ancient document that had mysteriously appeared pinned to the local church notice board. It stated that the previous owners of the field were linked to the Knights Templers, and that a hoard of treasure had been hidden during their persecution, and never recovered. 

St Herbert's church rector, Father Benedict denied all knowledge of the manuscript and swore an oath before the local Bishop and magistrate to that effect.  This angered the villagers who believed that the church was stirring up trouble in an attempt to obtain the treasured lost chalice of St Finglesham.  The chalice, also known in ancient documents as a Calix, was associated with the barbarian invasion of Britain after the retreat of the Romans, and was believed to have been transported to Kent by the Jutes.

The Jutes had settled in Kent and Kingdom of Kent had become their stronghold within the British Isles. Joe Crudd was indeed a descendent of these invaders, and carried the same DNA as the marauding seafaring Jutes, originating from Jutland,  Flanders and the adjacent Dutch coast. 

Father Benedict was familiar with the legends of the buried treasure as he had had access to the Latin manuscripts interned within the churches crypt. These scrips were also translated in to a variety of early Germanic languages including those spoken by the Jutes. Although he had denied this knowledge to his inquisitors, it was memorised so thoroughly within his brain that no further study would be required. However, Joe Crudd was aware of this denied knowledge and awaited the rectors next move.    

To be continued...