In an outrageous attempt to improve the societies revenue's, acting Chairman and President, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, has sanctioned the purchase of the "Royal Mail" from the Government and Crown.
At a full meeting of the "Imbibing, Procrastinating and Take-Over" subcommittee, the members of the Duck Flat Cap Society voted in favour of the acting chairman's proposition, that had been seconded by northern rabble-rouser and agitator "Dave the Teach".
Driver Chard insists that the societies nationwide network of members totalling some 200 , will be sufficient to carry out the service that currently employs approximately 176,000 workers.Driver Chard stated that the bulk of the technical operations can be overseen by "Meerkat Malc" due to his expertise on operating the latest smart phones, and his current unemployed status.
He will be assisted by Driver Chard who has himself become prolific in the use of technology since his adoption of an I Pad.
Ex karaoke and pub singer "Ray the Dust" will be in charge of transport and delivery, and will be assisted by his diminutive part time refuge collection colleague "Pepe le Puke".
There is some concern within the governing body of the society that this last requirement will be unachievable, and to this extent, the diminutive and waif like "Little legs Parks", has been put on stand by to head up this operation, if the aged and behemoth duo are unable to shed the required pounds and inches.
Post Offices and cash handling are to be placed under the control of "Green keeper Bazzer", who will be assisted in this function by "Dave Duck", who will also be in charge of redesigning the nations post offices so that they include bar facilities, bar tables , bar stools, beer mats and sports TV as a minimum requirement.
A garden with seating for a minimum 100 customers will also be a requirement , but will not be invoked for the first year of ownership.Garden umbrellas will be an optional extra , to be considered during wet weather or a heatwave. Pool, billiard and snooker tables will added in due course.
The provision of toilets will be optional, although colostomy bag wearers and those with colitis and similar ailments will not be allowed on the premises, with the exception of committee member"Meerkat Malc".
Finally, the Post Master will be renamed "Guvnor or Landlord" with immediate effect.
Northern radical "Dave the Teach, will be put in charge of re-educating the Post Offices remaining staff after the proposed take over, and will establish a school of Postal Excellence and etiquette in an outbuilding of the Duck In the Pond.
So as to assist the new Post office in its daily operations after the acquisition by the Duck Flat Cap Society, delivery times will be extended to 10 days and the cost of an individual first and second class stamp will be increased to a minimum £3.50, and index linked to the cost of a pint of premium lager.
When questioned by the "Ideas and Bullshit" subcommittee, that the operation is bound to fail and that with only 200 staff the operation is doomed to failure, Driver Chard stated that if the societies members were unable to provide the required service, they would subcontract the workload to the "Royal Mail"!.
When advised that the Royal Mail would not exist after the acquisition of the business by the Duck Flat Cap Society, Driver chard went purple with rage , removing his clothing to reveal his Fulham F.C away kit, a 1952 rattle and program, and whilst foaming at the mouth, requested three pints of best bitter, pork scratchings and a scotch egg.
After "Basher Hurley", ex military hard man and sexologist, and acting D.F.C.S medic, administered mouth to mouth resuscitation together with Heinrich manoeuvre, the Charmain was sedated with a brandy and placed in his usual chair at the societies top table.
A further debate regarding the proposed purchase of the Royal Mail is tabled for 17th July 2020, and further details will be delivered by first class post in due course.
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