The Author

The Author

Monday, 1 October 2018

1.THE MAN WHO SAT ON A HILL

1.THE MAN WHO SAT ON A HILL

Mist moved through the valley until it enveloped all it encountered, and as usual, a gentle drizzle filled the air.

The ground was becoming sodden, and drops of rainwater dripped from the abundant trees and bushes that scattered the landscape.
However, none of this prevented Henry G Reaper from sitting on the hill top as he did every day at the same spot overlooking the town below. As he surveyed the scene below his thoughts returned to that day many years ago when he first encountered the vision that had changed his life.

Although he was now approaching an age when he would no longer be able to climb to the summit of the hill, his memory of the events that day were still vivid in his mind, and he was soon deep in thought remembering that fateful day.

TIMES PAST

It was at least forty years ago that after a Saturday morning working in the towns mill as an apprentice weft threader, he had popped in to the Red Lion for half a pint of mild and a tuppenny bun. After his ale, bun and the appropriate ablutions, he took the church path out of town and started to climb the slopes of the steep passageway. Rain was falling gently but persistently and there was a light breeze.

He remembered that his hobnail boots clanked on the dry stone cobbles as he approached the church and as he glanced towards the graveyard he felt an unexplained chill and shiver down his spine. Although alarmed he quickly dismissed any feeling of  unease and continued his approach towards the stile and footpath that would take him through the church field, over the shallow but cold river Yabble by way of the antediluvian stone causeway, and on to the ancient wool packers trail that snaked up the hill and eventually down the other side on its way to the local port.

The area had become extremely wealthy during the middle ages due to the huge flocks of sheep that had wandered the hills and valleys throughout the county. The wool from the sheep was worth it weight in gold to the wealthy land owners who had ruthlessly thrown their tenants of their farms and small holdings so that the millions of sheep could wander the former yeomanry's agricultural strips of ridge and furrow and the peasants common pasture land and waste.

As Henry strode forward he was soon passing through the remnants of an abandoned village that disappeared as the villagers departed the land and the sheep took over the ancient fields. The tell tale depressions in the ground and the slightly raised level platforms of land reveal where the cottagers huts and buildings once stood, and slight linear depressions in the fields revealed where the village lanes ran throughout the settlement. Occasionally a wall of a crumbled village church would stand proud from the ground, standing testament to the earlier inhabitants of these bleak and windswept landscapes.

Henry continued along a sunken Holloway and was soon approaching the remains of an ancient cemetery. The graveyard had not been tended for centuries and most of the bodies had been exhumed and transferred to a charnel house when the land was ripped from the villagers grasp to make way for the flocks of sheep which miraculously turned the Lord of the Manors grass pastures and hill slopes to gold.

It was rumoured by many old-timers in the town below, that the ancient graveyard had included those who had perished during the numerous episodes of the Black Death or Plague that had ravished the country during the centuries that the village flourished. Indeed, an analysis of the soil would still show traces of the caustic lime that was spread over corpses that had perished from the Plague. These lime pits were often some way from an area of habitation, and this was why the graves were located further from the abandoned village than any other buildings.

Pausing a short while to glance back down the hill, Henry trudged upwards towards a small clump of trees that offered some shelter from the  rain that had started to fall more persistently. Henry was starting to notice that there was a chill in the air and for a moment a tingling sensation ran the length of his body, from head to toes, resulting in a shake of his head and the hunching of his shoulders. His hobnail boots were not waterproof and his feet were starting to feel uncomfortably wet due to a combination of leakage and sweat. The loose fitting boots were also rubbing against his toes and heels and a trickle of blood was mixing with the sweat and rain water to stain his linen socks a dark red. Sucking in his cheeks he began to breath heavily due to his quickened pace as he tried to reach the shelter of the copse before  the rain fell any harder.

Minutes later he was under the branches of a large Ash tree and washing the rain from his face with a handkerchief that he recovered from his waistcoat pocket. As he regained his composure he suddenly felt the presence of somebody or something behind him. Frozen to the spot and unable to move, his mind was flashing through various thoughts as to how he should react, because he was certain that an entity of some kind was behind his left shoulder. As if immobilised, he was at first unable to make his body respond to his brains signals. Moments later he spun his neck and head to his left and jumped back a stride as he turned to face the presence he sensed behind him.

Standing about three yards from him, only slightly obscured by the branches of a small conifer sapling, appeared to be the figures of a huge black wolf and a hooded figure with a shepherds crock in its left hand. Henry was startled by  the vision before him but as the blood began to flow back in to his limbs and his brain regain some composure, he reached out to the apparition exclaiming "who are you and where have you come from ?"

After a brief pause the entity responded by stating in a strongly accented speech that he was in the service of his lord Offa, King of the Mercian's, and that he was to lead Henry to his destiny and salvation..........

To be continued.....




 


























Thursday, 6 September 2018

CIDER WITH CANNEY - PART 1

CIDER WITH CANNEY - PART 1



The air was still and infused with the putrid smell if stale sweat and dry sick, and strewn about the room bodies twitched as they continued their cider induced slumber.

Newspapers partially covered the floor, the date 1983 prominent at the top of the red banner tabloids.

In North West London the early morning sun  started to penetrate the windows of the dingy ground floor apartment, and in the corner of the small room a record player continued to spin emitting an eerie screech as the blunt needle scraped the Bakelite base of the player.

Beside the record player were a couple of dozen empty litre bottles of strong cider together with scores of empty cider cans.

In the bathroom the toilet was overflowing with indescribable filth and tissue paper was scattered throughout the room, stuck to the walls, floor and ceiling.

Hanging from the light fitting was a soiled pair of boxer shorts that were embroidered in green with the initials MDC, and covered in thick puke.

On the floor of the room that was occupied by at least five inebriate sleeping and flatulating beasts was a electric kettle and dozens of cups and glasses lined with the residue of copious Irish coffees and southern comfort. The evidence lay beside the kettle with empty cartons of cream, cubes of brown sugar and empty bottles of Irish whiskey and southern comfort. Stale cigarette butts littered the room and the stench of stale tobacco was overwhelming.

The telephone began to ring and after a couple of minutes an overweight body of medium height began to slumber. In response to the incessant ringing the rotund figure rose to his feet and stumbled through the detritus and immobile bodies strewn about the room to answer the phone. As if injected with a dose of smelling salts the obese troglodyte threw down the phone and screamed out loud..

"Sue is on her way, we have to clear up !" .


The remainder of the occupants were quickly on there feet and struggling to clean the room of the nights boojar session.



To be continued......













Monday, 13 August 2018

ZOMBIE VERSUS SLOP BUCKET

ZOMBIE VERSUS SLOP BUCKET

Dr Winyard Washington Brown and Lord Loafington Barron have stunned the world by confirming the biggest mismatch in the history of the unlicensed sport of caged imbibing.

Dr Brown has chosen the Zombie as his alcoholic weapon and Lord Barron the Slop Bucket.

Due to the difference in size of the standard slop bucket and the regulation Zombie, Dr Brown will need to consume double the volume to obtain the title.

Dr Brown who obtained his title as Emeritus professor of Luther Vandross studies, and Lord Barron who is to be stripped of his ennoblement are unavailable for comment at this time but more will be divulged in due course after the event scheduled for 31August 2018.

Thursday, 14 June 2018

3."MITRE BOYS ON TOUR" - MIJA MISSION PATPOSSIBLE - PART 3

3. "MITRE BOYS ON TOUR" - MIJA MISSION PATPOSSIBLE - PART 3


Having completed their ablutions, the merry band of ageing mitorians decamped to the local hostelry and started to imbibe the local ales and imported ciders. It was not long before El Mac was engaged in a one way conversation with a doppelganger, but after fifteen minutes Nigel O relived the lookalike from his embarrassment, and returned El Mac to his seat.

After a swift couple of ales, they were joined by their female counterparts who quickly decided that it was time to depart for the local citadel and an appointment with battered Mediterranean cod, mushy peas, curry sauce, brown sauce, tomato sauce, chips and cheesy chips.

Sue quickly switched her apparel to that of a chauffeur and was soon ferrying the first batch of fish fiends to the allotted restaurant in the old town of Mija. As Big Jack,Lou,The Horse, Horsess and Don Pat rearranged the tables at least three times, the first pints of cider and lager were brought to the tables. Shortly Nigel O,Sue, El Mac and Sue the chauffeur arrived at the table, enabling the food to be ordered.

Ignoring the numerous mobile phone calls requesting Sue to pick up additional party goers and other regular users of the Don Pat Taxi service, the food was soon eaten and the drinks consumed. Sue quickly replaced her drivers cap upon her head, and was soon relaying members of the still sober "A Team" back towards their luxurious accommodation and the warmth and comfort of the adjacent bar that they had imbibed in earlier. A few hardy individuals decided to walk the short distance back to the bar and soon Big Jack and the Horse were striding out at an exuberant and jaunty pace, with Lou, Mags the Horsess, Nigel O and Sue O galloping lamely some fifty strides behind. Eventually, the marching band reached the Bar where they rejoined Don Pat, Sue and El Mac.  

With the wind now blowing a at gale force, the ensemble decided to be seated within the premises and after further shuffling and moving of tables all were seated and drinking their chosen tipple. At this stage Nigel O remembered that El Mac was still outside in the storm force winds, with his remaining hair threatening to create an ad hoc Bobby Charlton comb-over. Having collected Mac from the teeth of a gale, (but not of a comb), the serious drinking could begin, and another round was ordered.

Before long the weak willed women decided that it was time for bed and retreated to their apartments for sleep and a cup of tea. Big Jack, acting as Don Pats number two, accompanied the ladies to the entrance portal and after entering the appropriate digital code the external doors to the complex opened allowing the woman to enter. Having checked that they were within the sealed complex, Big Jack returned to the awaiting brethren.

As the palm trees outside the bar bent at an acute angle due to the increased intensity of the winds, Don Pat finished his two hundredth fag of the day, and explained that the bar was about to close, as it was not yet high season in this fashionable but somewhat dry resort. So after quickly consuming a further three pints each, we returned to our bijou accommodation to continue swilling on the wind swept balcony of Don Pats Penthouse gaff.

However, the atmospheric and bodily winds were making it difficult to stay seated and so with much ill feeling it was agreed to suspend proceedings and resume in the morning.   

To be continued.......














Tuesday, 12 June 2018

2."MITRE BOYS ON TOUR" - MIJA MISSION PATPOSSIBLE - PART 2

2. "MITRE BOYS ON TOUR" - MIJA MISSION PATPOSSIBLE - PART 2


After running the Madrid airport marathon for seniors, Senor Don Pat and his entourage boarded the minuscule aircraft for the onward journey to his hide-out in the sun.

The "A team" attempted to settle into their seats but were interrupted by Mac trying to stuff his oversized hand luggage into the overhead lockers. After assistance from the convivial but Hispanic speaking cabin crew, Mac attempted to stash his bag on his seat and sit on it. However, his lofty perch was soon spotted by the over enthusiastic cabin crew and soon a hand to hand struggle was enacted between, Nigel O, Mac and a squeaky speaking Spanish lady-boy.

After a minute of pushing and shoving the bag was placed at the feet of Nigel O, but this was considered inappropriate by the Spanish gestapo, and soon the bag was being manhandled from the plan to be placed in the hold with the other over sized bags. Whilst this commotion was taking place, the ground staff had systematically loaded and unloaded the hold luggage on three occasions, whilst conceivably looking for contraband in Macs underpants, but eventually with a swoosh of the hands and the muttering of adios, the hold was sealed and with the elastic bands fully wound up, the miniature aircraft taxied for take-off.

After ascending in to the sky over Madrid and taking in the sights of the local sewage plant, the plane was selling a selection of beverages as the entire plane queued to relieve themselves in the only bog, which was located at the rear of the plane adjacent to Mac and close to Lou and Sue O. Soon Lou was chatting up the only octogenarian Irish hippy onboard and was soon quarreling with Sue O over who would have the honour of holding him upright whilst he waited to expel the Guinness from his system.

 Eventually, with both of our heroins having pocketed his telephone number the balsa plane was approaching the welcoming tarmac of Malaga Airport. Cabin Crew to Cross Check bellowed the intercom as the cabin crew stared at each other trying to interpret the message. Finally the message was repeated in Latin, and the crew strapped themselves in to there seats for the landing procedure.

After taxing to a halt some hundred meters from the terminal, we awaited our release which was granted after a sweaty and uncomfortable wait. We levered our aching bodies from our seats and climbed down the steep steps in to the Andalusian sun. Passing through passport control without showing any identification, we were soon met by Manuel who was to drive us to our hideout.  After a short delay of approximately forty five minutes whilst the "puffing billy's" in our group smoked a couple of dozen fags each, we were bombing down the highway towards Calla Mija and our luxurious retreat. Pat and Sue had left us at the airport so as to collect their transport and were soon drawing up at our destination just as our own chariot arrived.

After allowing Mac to get out of the boot, we collected our baggage and decamped to the accommodation so as to ready our tired bodies for the heavy night of drinking that was ahead of us. After a couple of dumps we were ready.......

To be continued...









Wednesday, 30 May 2018

1."MITRE BOYS ON TOUR" - MIJA MISSION PATPOSSIBLE - PART 1

1."MITRE BOYS ON TOUR" - MIJA MISSION PATPOSSIBLE - PART 1


Out of the early morning mist a strange but familiar figure emerged from his lair and gestured towards the waiting taxi.  As the figure moved towards the vehicle it became apparent that the slow moving entity was Mitre legend Paul Mac, otherwise known as Mac. His small piece of luggage was soon placed in the vehicle and he greeted the Horse and Horsess who were already aboard the chariot.

Soon the trio and their Navajo chariot driver were approaching the gates of the mighty port known as Heathrow. After eagerly disembarking from the vehicle and discharging their debt to the Navajo navigator, they were soon sampling the comforting hot fluids available within the ports edifice. A short while later they were joined by the merry quartet of Big Jack, Lou, Nigel O and Sue, who had previously heartily feasted at the nearby Artimarti residence of the former Mitre publicans.

 A few moments later the Prince of Boojar- Pat Canney, and his partner Sue were within the seething port, and after melodious and heartfelt greetings the boisterous roustabouts were soon passing through passport control to await there transport to the southern imbibing fields of Andalusia.

Having boarded their chosen mode of transport, the ensemble settled in to a soothing slumber as the fortified aircraft ascended through the turbulent sky until reaching its cruising altitude.

 Our host was soon asleep and dreaming about cold pints of cider, large bottles of red wine and a thousand and one fags.

 No sooner than becoming sleepy and comfortable in their seats, the Mitorian band of brothers were landing at Madrid, and after a small delay were disembarking for the connecting flight to Malaga and onward transportation to the fabled imbibing settlement at Cala Mija.

It was at this point that Pat decided that it was time his training for the London Marathon was utilised, and was soon sprinting through the transit terminal towards our new embarkation point. As he sucked his belly in and puffed out his rosy cheeks, his supercharged legs began to propel his body  at tremendous speed to the astonishment of all assembled. Crowds soon gathered to line his swift progress along the aisle, passing the numbered gates until portal 73 was reached without a single bead of perspiration leaking from his Olympian body.

To be continued....












Wednesday, 25 April 2018

POSTCARDS FROM THE FRONT - THE PEN OF LORD LOAFINGTON SMYTHE AND HORSINGTON SMYTHE

POSTCARDS FROM THE FRONT - THE PEN OF LORD LOAFINGTON SMYTHE AND HORSINGTON SMYTHE





 DEAR WIGGINS

THE LORD GOD MUST BE SAVING ME FOR A HIGHER PURPOSE GOOD FRIEND, FOR THE  VERY NIGHT BEFORE I WAS TO BOARD THE LUSITANIA THE LADY WIFE HAD AN  AWFUL ATTACK OF THE VAPOURS AND WE HAD TO CANCEL.


AS YOU'VE PROBABLY HEARD BY NOW THAT POOR VESSEL IS NO MORE AND YOURS TRULY LIVES TO TELL THE TALE.


IT IS GOOD TO KNOW YOU HAVE SURVIVED THE INITIAL LANDINGS, MINTY AND BUNTY BOTH SEND THEIR REGARDS AND MISS YOU BUNDLES, THEY ARE ALREADY PLANNING CAKES AND LEMONADE FOR YOUR HOMECOMING DEAR BOY.


I TOLD THEM YOU WOULD PROBABLY PREFER A GALLON OF ALE AND A ROSY PROSTITUTE BUT YOU KNOW MINTY.


GOD SPEED DEAR BOY, YOU ARE IN OUR THOUGHTS AND IN OUR HEARTS, HOPE THE CHOCOLATE REACHES YOU ALRIGHT.

 UNCLE RAIF.


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DEAR LORD HORSINGTON OF THE FESTERING HOOF



SOME REVIEWS JUST IN OF THE FIRST SEGMENT OF YOUR FORTHCOMING HISTORICAL NOVELLA.



  " TYPICAL IN THE WAY IT PORTRAYED US DAMN COOLIES"

   The Cleaner.



  "I COULDNT PUT IT DOWN"

   Julius Caesar



 " THE MAN WRITES AND WALKS A FINE LINE BETWEEN MADNESS  
  AND GENIUS,     
  QUITE SIMPLY SUPERB"

  King George III.



 "HE SHOULD BE PUT DOWN LIKE A COMMON PYGMY"

 Dr Henry Livingstone



 "PHONE MY LAWYER"

 Winnie Brown



JUST A FEW OF THE POSITIVE REVIEWS OF YOUR OPENING SYNOPSIS MY LORD, I WILL OF COURSE SUBMIT IT TO THE PUBLISHING PANEL WHO I AM SURE WILL BACK IT FOR PUBLICATION.


YOU CAN REST ASSURED THAT THE FULL RESOURCES OF OUR ADVERTISING DEPT WILL ENSURE THAT THIS IMPORTANT WORK REACHES ITS FULL AUDIENCE.


INDEED YOUR GRACE I HOPE ONE DAY TO SEE IT ON THE SCHOOL CURRICULUM.

PLEASE DO NOT HESITATE TO CONTACT ME IF YOU REQUIRE ANYTHING.


YOURS SINCERELY


CHARLES "BUFFY" TINGWALL

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DEAR PROFESSOR HORSINGTON.



GOOD NEWS PROF. I HAVE UNEARTHED CONCRETE PROOF OF THE EXISTENCE OF THE FISH GOD CANNIUS VODKARUS IN THE DILUVIAN SWAMP OF LESSER NEASDEN.


YOUR FAITH IN MY EXPEDITION HAS BEEN VINDICATED, IT WOULD SEEM THAT THE ANCIENT VODKA LOVING PEOPLE OF NEASDEN WORSHIPPED A BARREL BELLIED DEITY AND CALLED HIM A FISH GOD BECAUSE OF HIS VAST CONSUMPTION IN THE ANCIENT FIREWATER OF YORE.


THIS STRANGE CREATURE WAS HALF MAN HALF BELLY AND DWELT IN THE FOGGY SWAMPS OF NW10 EMERGING ONLY TO QUAFF AT THE VODKA HOLES BUBBLING FROM THE EARTHS CORE.



IT SHUNNED ORDINARY SOCIETY AND LIVED A SOLITARY EXISTENCE ONLY EMERGING AT PRIMEVIL CEREMONIES TO OFFER HIMSELF FOR WORSHIP.

WE HAVE FOUND FRAGMENTS OF ITS SHIRT WHICH IT WOULD DISCARD AT THE EARLIEST OPPORTUNITY IN A FRENZIED DANCE AROUND THE SACRIFICIAL FIRE.

IT WOULD APPEAR MY DEAR GUIDE AND MENTOR THAT EVOLUTION HAS INDEED PASSED THIS CREATURE BY.


I WILL OF COURSE BE PRESENTING THE EVIDENCE I HAVE ACCRUED AT THE ROYAL COLLEGE OF HORSEMANSHIP AT A LATER DATE, I WILL KEEP YOU INFORMED OF ANY FURTHER DEVELOPMENTS.


YOUR FRIEND
SEPTIMUS DOGFONDLER

EMERITUS PROFESSOR OF ALCOHOL AND ANTIQUITIES. MA.PHD.

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DEAR EFFEE.



GOOD LUCK AS YOU RIDE INTO THE VALLEY OF THE FIVE THOUSAND, HOPE TO SEE YOU AFTER YOUR CAMPAIGN FOR SOME OF THAT NEW FANGLED "COFFEE" BEVERAGE THAT EVERYBODYS TALKING ABOUT.


ITS LOVELY HERE AS I AWAIT THE BOAT THAT IS TO TAKE ME OVER TO KRAKATOA, INDONESIA IS SO BEAUTIFUL THIS TIME OF YEAR, I CERTAINLY DONT NEED A BALACLAVA WHATEVER THAT IS.


THE NATIVES HERE SEEM RESTLESS THERE IS SOME TALK OF A VOLCANO GOD STIRRING SOMEWHERE BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THESE GODLESS HEATHENS ARE LIKE IM SURE NOTHING UNTO WARD WILL HAPPEN TO  GOD FEARING ENGLISHMEN SUCH

AS OURSELVES ALTHOUGH THERE DOES SEEM TO BE AN AWFUL LOT OF RED HOT DUST IN THE AIR AND THE SEA SEEMS TO BE BOILING.


OH WELL NEVER MIND, NOTHING A CUP OF TEA AND A PASSAGE FROM THE BIBLE SHOULDNT CURE.


LOOKING FORWARD TO HEARING OF YOUR TALES OF DERRING DO AFTER YOUR NO DOUBT SUCCESSFUL FORAY INTO THE HEART OF COSSACK COUNTRY.



YOUR  PAL 
CARRUTHERS

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DEAR BOOFERS



EXCELLENT SHOW OLD CHAP, THE MAD MARDHI NEEDS A GOOD COME-UPPANCE AND YOU'RE THE MAN FOR THE JOB.


THE CAMEL RIDE SOUNDS GOOD FUN IF A BIT WEARING ON THE OLD BO BO,A BIT LIKE SCHOOL OLD CHAP WHAT!!.


IM BEING SECONDED TO A UNIT SOMEWHERE NEAR A BLOODY PLACE CALLED ROURKES DRIFT IN BALLY BONGO BONGO LAND.


WITH A LOAD OF TAFFS, I BET YOU A DINNER AT CLARIDGES, COMPLETE WITH A BOTTLE OF 57 LAFITE. IT'LL BE ALL OVER BY THE TIME I GET THERE. JUST MY LUCK.


SEE YOU SOON OLD MAN

YOURS

CAPTAIN "KIP" CARRINGTON. DSO AND BAR.

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TURDOXIAN HIGH TREASON


LORD LOAF OF THE BOHIEMION CREED,

REPORTS HAVE REACHED ME THAT TURDOXIAN RAIDS ARE TAKING PLACE IN THE BORDER REGIONS.

DUE TO YOUR PROXIMITY TO THE AREA, YOUR THOUGHTS ON THIS GRAVE MATTER ARE URGENTLY REQUIRED. PLEASE REPORT BY RETURN.

YOURS
UNCLE BOHIEM


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DEAR UNCLE BOHEME

I HAVE RECEIVED A REPORT FROM MY RECON GROUP WHO HAVE INFORMED ME THAT A SMALL TURDOXIAN RAIDING PARTY HAS INDEED BEEN EMULATING THE MODUS OPERANDI OF THE REIVERS OF OLD.


I HAVE SENT OUT BOHEME REINFORCEMENTS TO PATROL AND DEAL WITH THE HORDE, THE VISIBLE PRESENCE OF THESE STOUT FORCES SHOULD PROVIDE THE DETERRENT REQUIRED.


I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT ANY TURDOXIANS UNFORTUNATE ENOUGH TO FIND THEMSELVES IN OUR CUSTODY WILL BE SEVERELY DEALT WITH. IE. DEATH.

YOURS

LORD LOAF OF THE QUIVERING RING.


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DEAR LOAF OF THE EVER TIGHTENING RING,

THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT REPORT CONFIRMING THE INCURSIONS ACROSS THE BOARDER BY THOSE INFERNAL TURDOXIAN HEATHENS. 


I TRUST THE PATROLS OF BRAVE BOHEMIEM COHORTS ARE ENJOYING SUCCESS AND BEATING THE TURDOX HOARD BACK ACROSS THE BORDERS.

WITH REGARDS THE TREATMENT OF ANY PRISONERS, I BELIEVE THAT THE BOHEIMIAN CODE OF BATTLE MUST BE UPHELD AT ALL TIMES, AND EVERY EFFORT MADE TO CHANGE THEIR TWISTED IDEOLOGY TO THAT OF THE SACRED CREED.


HOWEVER, FEEL FREE TO PUNISH SEVERELY THOSE WHO WHO ARE NOT READY TO TAKE UP THE ENLIGHTENED BATTLEAXE OF THE GREAT LORD BOHIEM OF THE THIRD MOUND AT CROXLEY GREEN.

YOURS

QUINTINIOUS CRISPUS OF THE PROLAPSED RECTUM



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DEAR QUINTINIOUS CRISPUS OF THE ENGORGED MEMBER.

MANY THANKS FOR YOUR PROMPT RESPONSE , TURDOXIAN SCUM HAVE INDEED BEEN CAPTURED BY OUR BRAVE BOHEME LEGION .



AS PER YOUR REQUEST THE HEATHEN PRISONERS ARE BEING "PERSUADED" TO ADOPT THE BOHEME WAY OF LIFE AND TO FOREGO THE TURDOXIAN RELIGION, HOWEVER THOSE WHO APPEAR TO RESIST TOO STRONGLY HAVE BEEN "DISAPPEARED" SO TO SPEAK.

I REMAIN YOUR OBEDIENT SERVANT.



LORD LOAF OF THE MOUNTING PILE.



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DEAR LORD SCROTUM,

REPORTS HAVE ONCE AGAIN REACHED ME THAT THE TURDIXIAN REBELS ARE RAVAGING THE BORDERLANDS AND ATTACKING THE BOHEMIAN PRIESTS WHO I HAVE SENT TO PREACH THE BOHEME CREED.

THESE TURDOX SCUM MUST BE EXTERMINATED AT ALL COST , AND I TRUST YOU WILL RIDE THROUGH THE NIGHT AND PROVIDE ME WITH AN UPDATED REPORT BY DAWN.

YOURS

QUINTENINUS MAXIMUS OF THE GILDED HORSE



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DEAR QUINTENINUS MAXIMUS OF THE SEPTIC TANK.

I HAVE RIDDEN THROUGH THE NIGHT AND CAN FAITHFULLY REPORT THAT OUR GALLANT FORCES HAVE REPELLED THE TURDOX SCUM BUCKETS.


IT WAS A BLOODY FARRAGO AND I LOST TWO MEN BUT HAVE SUBSEQUENTLY FOUND THEM SUNK TO THE NUTS IN A LADY SHEEP.



MY SERGEANT AT ARMS WAS SENT TO DISCIPLINE THEM BUT UNFORTUNATELY GOT AN ERECTION AND JOINED IN.


HAPPILY THE BOHEME PRIESTS ARE NOW FREE TO PREACH THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO THE LORD BOHEME.


IT WAS HUMBLING TO SEE THEM SPREAD THE WORD OF OUR LORD TO THE HEATHEN HORDES.

I REMAIN YOUR OBEDIENT SERVANT.


LORD LOAF OF THE PUNGENT HOSE.



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Dear Lord Snout Quifler,

I now am able to provide you with the name of the Naked Psychiatrist that you requested in your recent missive. His name is "Gunter Handcock" and his address is - "Pull me hard" Cottage, Queer Street, ST Ives, Cornwall. 

I hope your Quim bashing is progressing well and I am of course sorry to hear of your raging Bumhole. I do hope it is not another occurrence of that Gout thingamy Jig that you had in your old member recently.


Keep me up to date with your progress with Gunter Handcock.


Yours with sympathy
Scratchy Henderson - Horn of Quimbash and Director of Pyschoprophylaxis



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Dear Lord Snout Quifler,

Further to my recent missive, the late Lord Piggy Beauregard-Hamilton Spoondangler , Managing Director of Wangdangling for England and Wales, will be cremated at Wandsworth Brewery on Saturday, at 2.15 am. 

If you attend, please ensure you bring a torch and toilet paper. 

Yours correspondingly
Scratchy 



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DEAR SCRATCHY,

MUCH APPRECIATED FOR THE REFERRAL .

I HAVE ARRANGED AN APPOINTMENT WITH HERR HANDCOCK , HIS TELEPHONE MANNER WAS BOTH EFFICIENT AND SEXUALLY AROUSING. I CANNOT WAIT FOR HIM TO PULL ME HARD .

I WILL OF COURSE BE ATTENDING PIGGY'S FUNERAL WITH MY TRUSTY TORCH AND TOILET PAPER. I ONLY HOPE I DON'T LEAK AS I AM PRONE TO DO.

YOURS
ARCHBISHOP PRE-CUM OF BATH AND WELLS.



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BOONSPANGLING

Dear Lord Loafington of the spotted puss knot,

Your input in the above thingamajig is most definitely required. Please start by giving me your complete analysis of the recent spate of Boonspangling in Hartlepool and Gravesend.

Yours
Boothy Boddinngton Smyth of the Heath 




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LORD LOAF OF THE BOON,

DAM YOUR EARLIER RESPONSE TO MY RECENT OUTRAGE AT THE BOONSPANGLING INCIDENT AT GRAVESEND.

YOU MUST INVESTIGATE IMMEDIATELY AND SUPPLY ME WITH YOUR REPORT WITHIN 14 DAYS, OR RISK THE WRATH OF THE BOONDOCKER.

YOURS
EFFEY BEAUREGARD OF THE WHARF



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MY DEAR EFFEY OF THE WOBBLING SPONGE

AFTER MUCH UNDERCOVER RESEARCH I HAVE DISCOVERED THAT THE BOONSPANGLE VIRUS WAS TRANSMITTED TO GRAVESEND VIA AN OFF DUTY HERMAPHRODITE CALLED TOMMY CUNTCOCK WHO HAD INADVERTENTLY BEEN GIVEN A LIFT BY A LONG DISTANCE LORRY DRIVER IN EXCHANGE FOR WHAT IS KNOWN NOWADAYS AS A BLOW JOB.



THE LORRY DRIVER STOPPED AT GRAVESEND ON HIS WAY TO DOVER AND MUST HAVE PASSED ON THE DREADED BOONSPANGLE.


WE HAVE MANAGED TO CONTAIN IT WITHIN THE LOCAL AREA BUT THE HUNT GOES ON TO TRACK DOWN THE AFORE MENTIONED TOMMY CUNTCOCK.

YOURS

LORD LOAF OF THE BOON.



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