ONE SEED BROWN IN DANCE FLOOR SENSATION

ONE SEED BROWN IN DANCE FLOOR SENSATION

PAUL "SLIPPERY" BAXTER AND WWB

WWB JOINS THE BLOG -

Ex Wembley Foot Tapper and failed DJ, Winfield Washington Brown, otherwise known as WWB or One Seed Brown, sensationally enthralled  a captivated audience in 2011  with his smooth gyrating and mesmerising moves and shapes on a sultry Saturday evening.

Partnered by Paul "Slippery" Baxter and a host of obliging acolytes, WWB strode through the venue receiving the accolade of the spellbound imbibers congregating at the busy and thronging bar.

Although now medically obese and suffering from gout, One Seed managed to capture the hearts of those assembled as he grimaced his way through routines not  practiced since his Wembley Foot Tapper heyday in the late 1970's.

WWB

Many in the crowd, who were ever present during WWB's gilded youth, were amazed that he was still performing the now idolised "Hankey on the head" routine. This fabled act was originally unveiled to the world during a riotous Wembley Foot Tapper outing to Benidorm  on the Cost Del Crime, and an outrageous visit to Eva's Disco.

 The fascinating routine begins with WWB undoing his trousers and swaying his shriveled manhood from side to side in imitation of swaying palm trees and ends with a snot covered white hankie being placed on the strutting WWB's head as performs a series of spins culminating in his Wang being thrust back in to his trousers as he does the splits.

After a number in minutes grooving across the dance floor WWB was finished and slumped to the floor with a cold pint of strong premium lager in one hand and his other grasping his sweating crutch. The sad look on his face was soon wiped away as the alcohol began to regain its familiar residence in his sponge like brain, and soon he was almost back to his 1980's best slowly swaying around the room with a pint of lager in one hand and his free hand wildly gesticulating at all and sundry.

WWB

In view of his short lived but magnificent throwback to his youth that  Saturday, One Seed Brown was invited to the next meeting of the Bohemian League Of Gentlemen and was offered membership on an Artisans basis, subject to the full acceptance of the imbibing committee which was ultimately forthcoming. . However Acorn Head Baxter's membership was deferred until he makes a visit to a monthly meeting, and BLOG are still waiting!


The rest is history.

THE MITRE MURDER MYSTERY - PART 2 (THE CRIMSON WIENER)

THE MITRE MURDER MYSTERY - PART 2  (THE CRIMSON WIENER)

SUDBURY TOWN

Straining to breathe the cold air, Old Pa Bumnfold walked the few yards from the bus stop and entered the smoke filled drinking den known as “The Lodge”.  

He scanned the room looking for the unmistakable figure of Doctor Doyle and soon located him seated in his specially strengthened chair at the bar. With trepidation, he slowly approached the corpulent red faced doctor, his befuddled mind desperately trying to filter reality from the untrue.
He reached out his emaciated hand towards Dr Doyle but the shinny faced doctor refused to acknowledge his gesture.

The Doctor shuffled on his bar stool and turned slightly towards the foul smelling creature shuffling beside him. "Hi Pa” he retorted distastefully, in a low husky voice which was still recovering from his recent experience escaping from the clutches of his arch enemy, Karl Heinz-Brunner, in war torn Europe.

Seated to his left was his long time associated “Pope Pat” a retarded former priest and reformed alcoholic, but prone to long lapses of abstinence that lead to him being incredibly unstable and dangerous company to be with.  However, he was a lifelong friend of the Doctor and they had completed many dangerous operations in occupied Europe over the last few years.

Indeed, Pope Pat had recently saved the lives of Doctor Doyle and his South African accomplice, Ivan Terrablanche, enabling the Doctor to complete a dangerous mission to obtain the Munich Horn.

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BAVARIA

At the end of the mission to recover the Munich Horn from Germany, the light was fading fast as Doctor Doyle and Terrablanche drove over the river Isar and headed for the sanctuary of a safe house on the outskirts of Friedrichshafen. There they were to board a small fishing boat, row across lake Constance (Bodensee) to enter neutral Switzerland, and eventually fly back to the UK with the recently recovered Munich Horn.

However, as they approached the small farmhouse on the banks of Lake Constance they encountered Karl Heinz-Brunner in a large battered Mercedes which attempted to crash in to the duo as they tried to board the fishing boat with the treasured Munich Horn.

In the fading light it was difficult to precisely locate the duo as they ran towards the dark waters of the Bodensee, but just as the battered Mercedes driven by Brunner crashed in to the overweight and wheezing Doctor, a huge bulldozer driven by Pope Pat, thundered in to action and utilising its huge metal blade blocked the speeding car, stopping it in its tracks and smashing it to smithereens.

The collision enabled the Doctor and Terrablanche to safely reach their vessel and escape to the sanctuary of the Swiss border, and subsequently fly back to England. On arrival at Croydon airport they were debriefed by the Ministry of War and handed over the fabled Munich Horn so as to be safely stored by the military authorities.

After the successful mission to retrieve the Munich Horn, Doctor Doyle, having said farewell to Ivan Terrablanche, had lapsed in to his usual routine of overeating, over sleeping, frequenting seedy whorehouses and drinking copious amounts of alcohol in one or the other of his favourite drinking dens, the Mitre or the Lodge. 

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SUDBURY

At the Lodge, Pa Bumfold whispered in to Doctor Doyle’s ear and stood back for a response. The Doctor picked at his yellowing teeth with a cocktail stick and reaching in to his trouser pocket for a stained handkerchief, blew his nose and cleared his tortured airways.

“So you have murdered Ted” rasped the little chubby legged double agent.

Old Pa Bumfold recoiled in terror as he envisaged the clientele of the bar overhearing the conversation. However, as usual in the Lodge, nobody battered an eyelid or bothered to inquire as to the content of their sordid discussion. Even Pope Pat continued to read his yellowing copy of Picture Post, sipping from his huge glass of red wine, whilst engaged in small talk with the host of the establishment, Frau Grunewald.

Doyle, now grinning like a Cheshire cat, continued, “who else knows of this delicate matter?”, to which Pa responded “only the misses and you, your eminence.... , although the wife is as pissed as Pope Pat so will not remember anything, so it’s just you and me!”

“However...”, stuttered the geriatric piss stained octogenarian, “the old bill were making enquiries earlier today, but I don’t think the Rozzer got wind that the skull on the shelf was the deformed dwarf like creature known as Ted!”  

Doctor Doyle stretched his diminutive legs towards the floor and almost stumbled from his stool. Regaining his sense of gravity he slid from the reinforced steel seat and stood before old Pa Bumfold.  

The Doctor fumbled with his attire until he recovered a small red address book. The book was tattered and covered with a selection of body fluids and beer. Reaching for the wire spectacles hanging from the chain around his thick neck, he placed them upon his broad nose and pinched them in to a secure position on the ridge of the ruddy protuberance. Scanning the pages he quickly folded back a page and stared directly at old pa Bumfold.

“The Crimson Wiener” where is it Pa? If you lead me to the location of the Wiener I can arrange for your involvement in the unfortunate murder of barman Ted to be extinguished and the blame placed at the feet of your enemies.  Perhaps one of the Artimarti clan can take the can, or maybe the Taylors, or Redheads?

Anything can be arranged provided I have access to the “Crimson Wiener” Pa, anything you wish!  

Pa Bumfold looked at his soiled boots and shuffled uneasily from side to side. “That was a long time ago governor, and I don’t think I can locate the Crimson Wiener without upsetting a lot of the local villains who would kill to get their hands on the Crimson Wiener”. Doctor Doyle grabbed the wizened shoulders of Pa Bumfold and shook him until Pa pissed his pants leaving a putrid yellow stain on his pantaloons and a puddle on the dirty floor.

Grabbing a bar cloth from the bar and wiping the excess urine from his legs, Pa Bumfold explained that he would make enquiries towards getting the Wiener, and would start with visiting his younger former partner in crime “Big Mac” who was involved with the earlier discovery of the artifact some twenty years earlier, and was implicated in its subsequent disappearance, and the legend that has grown about its powers.

Although not established by science, the Crimson Wiener” was believed to have aphrodisiac powers and when immersed in a pint of cinnamon infused cider, and drunk in full without taking a breath, would induce  sexual arousal greater than that attributed to Eros and his arrows, honey, oysters and/ or a night in the bed of Frau Grunewald.  

Pa Bumfold trudged towards the Lodges door and slipped away with his mind full of terror and trepidation. A bus glided to a halt at the stop and after pulling himself on to the lower deck, and swearing at the clippie, Bumfold was soon heading towards the Swan and a meeting with “Big Mac”.

To be continued.......