PHONE HACKING INTRIGUE AT THE DUCK

PHONE HACKING INTRIGUE AT THE DUCK

Unsubstantiated reports have reached this writer of a phone hacking outrage at a suburban public house on the borders of Harrow Weald, Belmont and Stanmore. 

It has allegedly been reported that mobile phones belonging to members of the august and venerable group known as the “Duck Flat Cap Society”, have been “Hacked” by an unknown person or agency.

It has been strongly suggested by those in the know, that the nefarious activity is the work of a subversive renegade group known as “The Lancashire Socialist Commando Battalion”, who have close links with the outlawed “Eckee Thump Brigade”.

The northern groups are known to object to members of the Duck Flat Cap Society adopting the flat cap as their emblem and badge, stating that “those southern softy namby pamby cockneys are betraying the sacred flatty”. 

For a number of years it has been rumoured that the “Duck Flat Cap Society “ has been infiltrated by one or more of these embittered men, although to date there has been no positive proof. In fact, those members who have indeed migrated to the south for economic and sexual reasons, have shown only a slight preference for northern ale and only occasional slip in to the native vernacular of their homeland. 

“Chelsea Duck “a founding member of the society, has allegedly burst a blood vessel on being told of the suspected mobile hacking and is threatening to walk away from the Duck. This threat must be taking as debatable, as "Chelsea" has not shown any preference to vacate his favoured seat for many years. Indeed not since an earlier incident involving an antique painting, has “Chelsea” felt it advisable to down his ale in another hostelry. Chelsea has resolved to wear his flat cap at all times in fierce defiance of “The Lancashire Socialist Commando Battalion” or their sister group, the “Eckee Thump Brigade”.

It is also alleged that “Bazza Duck” has threatened to track down the interlopers and personally take his own revenge on those involved. This is a more substantial threat, as he is known to vent his ire at the slightest event, and a verbal landslide is sure to take place as soon as a suspect is apprehended. Indeed, it is most probable that medical assistance will be required if “Bazza Duck” lays his hands on these northern tyrants, before the appropriate forces arrive at the scene.

The other founding members of the “Duck Flat Cap Society” are also watching the every move of each and every member for the slightest slip that may reveal their allegiance to “The Lancashire Socialist Commando Battalion”. 

It is not yet known what the hackers trying to obtain by their nefarious efforts, but the personal conversations of the societies members are thought to include information regarding the annual general meeting of the consumption committee, although this information would be freely available to all members, including the alleged northern infiltrators.

However, it is more likely that they are after hacking the calls of the life time Honoury president “Driver Chard of El Hadji Douiff”, other wise known as “The Chard”, who will not reveal his telephone number, and only converses with those selected to be his confidents. It is known that the “Chard” regularly releases secrete information regarding his golf swing to certain members of the society, and it is believed that it is this information that the hackers seek.

We await further developments, and a further report will appear shortly.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

EX SERVICEMAN DONS FLAT CAP TO AVERT CATASTROPHE AT THE DUCK

UNDERCOVER EX SERVICEMAN DONS FLAT CAP TO AVERT CATASTROPHE AT THE DUCK

Flight Lieutenant Steve “Basher” Hurley, a member of the SAS, Special Boat Service, Royal Marine Commando’s and Parachute Regiment, recently broke cover to assist with a life threatening situation that developed in a suburban public house over the weekend.

During a normal evenings drinking at his local hostelry, Basher became aware that a group of rowdy boisterous revellers were occupying a table near to his own.

Basher Hurley had taken the normal precautions when entering the premises earlier in that evening, and had conducted his usual security sweep of the building, whilst wearing his standard issue Flat Cap. 

His trained eye had noticed the group of happy drinkers celebrating at the adjacent table.

He had acknowledged those in the building that he knew, and had taken a mental note of those that his memory did not recognise, and had taken his seat with his friends who were also members of the close-knit “Duck Flat Cap Society”. 

His training allowed him to arrange his seat in such a way that he was able to continue to survey the immediate area whilst enjoying copious amounts of Guinness. His drinking was under control although the use of a three pint pitcher as a glass had caused a ripple if whispers amongst his fellow Flat cap wearers. 

The evening was drawing to a close when it became clear that the party of revellers who had been seated opposite Flight Lieutenant “Basher” Hurley appeared to be in some bother. A member of the party began to slip below the table but was rescued before completely submerging below the parapet of the wooden table. However, a few moments later it became noticeable to all, that the unfortunate member of the celebrating party had imbibed far too much alcohol, and was struggling to stay seated on his chair. 

Minutes later, whilst being assisted through the door of the establishment, he fell and collapsed in the doorway.

Basher Hurley looked up from his pitcher of Guinness and appraised the situation. He noted that a number of the inebriated party were attending to the still prone patient, although there appeared to be confusion amongst there ranks. A number of other people seated with the Duck Flat Cap Society also noted the situation and rallied to the clarion call for assistance. However, at this stage Basher remained silent and seated. 

It was soon being suggested that the patient was lifted from the cold floor and transferred to his residence, which was only a few hundred yards away, by way of carrying his body upon an improvised stretcher, consisting of two pub chairs.

At this stage, Basher Hurley jumped in to action and was soon placing the prone body in to the recovery position. On checking his air passage and pulse it was considered that the patient was stable, but unwise to move at this particular moment in time.

As Basher Hurley pondered his next move, the air of the pub resounded with the sound of the last bell. Flight Lieutenant Hurley stood upright in a state of shock , his mind franticly filing through the various options available to him, and within an instant turned to those about him and stated -

“halt, I must buy a couple of pints as that’s the last bell. Don’t move the patient. I will be back shortly”. 

With this, Basher Hurley slowly and methodicaly paced across the floor of the now near empty establishment, and on reaching the bar placed his order for two pitchers of Guinness. These were soon poured, and as they settled, he returned to his fellow Flat Cappers awaiting his next sip of the bitter black stout.

Having ensured all was well with the black velvet, he returned to the still prone reveller, and initiated a lifting procedure that resulted in his being able to return to his place of residence without further assistance from the good Flight Lieutenant. 

Basher returned to his table and surveyed the scene, slowly swivelling his head so that he could view the complete building, but ensuring that his flat cap was still placed firmly upon his thickly tousled head. 

All was now quite and still and the event was over. Hurley swilled the remainder of his pitchers and after gesturing goodby to his fellow Flat Cappers, slowly moved to the exit and left the premises, acknowledging a job well done. 

Moments later he was seated at home and writing up the evenings proceedings in his military standard issue journal, ready for submission to his handlers. 

This completed he changed his clothing to camouflage combat pyjamas and donning his standard sleeping Flat Cap, retired to his bed. 

Further reports on Basher Hurley's behaviour will be published subject to the appropriate approval by those who administer the official secrets act.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020